Archive for the ‘Random Disasters’ Category

• Of Course it Happens to Me

  This morning I woke up to ReneDad standing by the coffee pot staring at me and saying

  “How come every time I go away somewhere something happens to you?”

  ….with a big fat smile on his face.  Not funny man.

  So what happened? Well considering my track record for disaster when ReneDad goes on a trip it could be just about anything, this time it comes in the form of poison oak.  It is BARELY even fucking spring here in California and I already have this god damn shit.  What the fuck?! I don’t think I should get this shit until at least mid summer and it better involve some camping, some marshmallows and a river!  It wasn’t bad enough that my allergies have hit an all time peak and I was already on the verge of ripping my face off but now this shit?  I totally get how RM2 felt last year after our camping trip when she had seriously the WORST case of this shit that I have personally ever witnessed.  She got the shit in her eye. Whoa.  I felt bad for her then but now I am looking at her like she is my personal hero because she survived it! I woke up this morning to officially having this shit on my neck, chin, face and now…. you guessed it… my eye. FUCK THIS SHIT!!!!  If it spreads to my vagina then I am jumping off a bridge.  I have it on my ass too by the way so the likelihood of it creeping just a little further southeast is not totally out of the realm of possibility and we are talking about me so you do the math.

  This morning I’m wearing Calamine lotion all over my face like I am Tammy Faye Baker and I’m gussied up on my way to an interview with Barbara Walters.  I look crazy.  If I could pour this shit into my eye right now I would.  The truth is it totally kills me that ReneDad is right.  Every single time he goes away for a few days he comes back and something has happened to my ass. How is that possible? How is it that I spent 10 years as a perfectly capable single mother and now I am married and when the husband goes away I turn into an idiot? It just pisses me off.  He thinks it’s funny and now he has declared Open Season on the jokes.  Who can blame him? I would too. Really, I blame him.  It’s his fault I have this shit.  The cat gave it to me and since the cat was sleeping in his spot while he was gone that makes this ALL his fault.  (This is the part where you agree with me and make me feel better)  The cat even crawled under the covers and curled up next to my ass which is why I have it on my ass.  If he had been in his spot in the bed this would have never happened, at least not just to me, he would have it too and then I could make fun of him.

  Now if you will excuse me, I am off to go rip my face off and scratch my eye out while I sit on hold with the doctors office so I can beg and plead and convince them this is an emergency that requires their immediate attention.  Otherwise I am just going to go down there and oooze all over their chairs until they see me.

  ~RM1

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  2010.05.18 / 4 responses / Category: Random Disasters

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