You Get What You Pay For

I started this post as a comment to RM1’s Shave this! posting, but it turns out that my “word vomit” (see comments on this Pinchin’ a Dooce post) has evolved (or digressed) into verbal diarrhea and I realize I have enough runny word-poo coming out for a decent sized post of my own. So here, for the first time, I have to disagree with Renegade Mom 1. It’s okay, it’s bound to happen now and then. The great thing about good friends is that you can agree to disagree sometimes and still be friends. It’s not like we’re in a fight or anything, and the topic of my disagreement isn’t fundamental enough to ruin even a casual relationship. I hope.

I am not a woman who rejoices in having my period and I agree with RM1 that there’s nothing happy about the experience. But I am eternally grateful to the ancient Egyptians and Doctor Earle Haas for the invention and mass production of tampons, and I would gladly pay ten times as much for the pleasure of NOT having to bleed on rags tied around my waist. If I were down to my last five bucks, I’m sure I’d choose a box of tampons over toothpaste, toilet paper or even food if it meant I didn’t have to wash a single Lunapad. Yeah, I know some of you freaks out there have special buckets to wash your used rags in so you can water the garden with your sacred blood, but good gawd woman, buy a bag of cow shit for your corn. I myself am a down-to-earth, au naturale barefoot kinda girl but I want to enjoy my ripe red tomatoes without thinking about blood. But I digress. Tampons are good and I think they’re worth every penny.

I feel the same about razors. I’ve used everything on the market, from generic to disposable to mens to fancy purple glittery things for women and I feel like I have enough shaving experience to call myself an expert on the subject. Here is my official review:

-Anything on the market beats scraping your lard covered legs with a hunting knife. I know because I tried it, once upon a time in a little hand-hewn log cabin, far far from civilization in the Big Horn mountains of Wyoming. Not kidding. That experience alone makes for me any manufactured razor worth it’s weight in gold. I’d gladly trade a kid for a crappy store-brand disposable any day of the week. Not that I shave that often.

-Old fashioned straight edge razor? Eh, not so good. Forget it. Better than a knife but still dangerous.

-I kinda like the old style razors where you drop in the flat little blade, but they’re hard to find, they’re heavy and they rust if you leave them in the shower.

-Generic and store-brand razors are cheaper, but you get what you pay for. I don’t know what it is or why, but every time I’ve nearly bled to death from shaving I was using a Safeway brand razor. I don’t know why, I’m just sayin’.

-Disposable razors are a gift from King Camp Gillette and I pay homage to him six times a year. I am so glad that I can throw a few cheap disposable razors into my travel bag and forget it. I’m one of those people that always forgets to pack my toothbrush and I’m always running to the hotel convenience store in my pajamas for a ten dollar shitty replacement. Replacement razors are considerably more expensive so I’ve learned to just buy a bag of disposables and throw them into my suitcase. The only sucky thing, besides the guilt of using a plastic disposable product is that I can’t remember which brand I like and almost always end up buying ten of the ones I hate, which lasts well over a year and by the time I need to buy more, I again can’t remember which brand are the good ones and it starts all over.

-I find men’s razors just fine. I don’t give a crap what color my razor is and I really don’t need a sparkly pear scented pre-lubed purple hair removing apparatus. I just want smooth legs, armpits without bumps and the confidence that my labia’s both minora and majora won’t be put out of service post-shaving. Girly razors are a fluffy luxury, and if you want luxury, you’ve gotta pay for it, plain and simple. If you don’t want to pay for it, get the simple black ones for men. They’re great. 

You can’t have your money and pretty razor too.

I will say that I do enjoy a girly razor now and then because I live in a testosterone filled world and any little thing that reminds me that I am not like the beasts that surround me is precious. So occasionally I’ll sell a tooth or something so I can afford a pretty razor, only to find that replacement blades are no longer available since the newest best razor on the market last month has been replaced by the newest greatest razor this month, that not only shaves your legs but also acts as a dildo or some shit like that. So then I have to start over with the new model with a prettier name and yet another “convenient” shower holder that will need to be scraped off with a real razor blade next month and if I do find a model that I can still buy replacement blades for, it’s usually cheaper to just buy a new one all together.

Now I just use the Daddy-O’s without telling him and I get a secret little thrill watching him shave his face using the same blade I just de-haired the beav with.

One more thing; it’s not so much the razor you use, it’s what you shave with. Soap is drying, mens shaving cream stinks and those pretty glittery girly creams are expensive so here’s my tip for the day- Use a bit of your hair conditioner. It’s seriously the best and cheapest thing out there for smooth legs, pits and lips.

 ~RM2