Breaking Darwin's Theory

For years many have attempted to break Darwin’s Theory of Evolution.  While I have never felt so inclined to dispute Mr. Darwin until now, it is only because I have found a major flaw in his theory: teenagers.

Darwin’s theory regarding Natural Selection states that  it is “a process that causes helpful traits (those that increase the chance of survival and reproduction) to become more common in a population and causes harmful traits to become more rare.”

Ok so what the hell happened to teenagers?

Now we have all said things like “good thing they’re cute” when our toddlers are laying on the floor in the grocery store screaming at a decimal octave that could raise the dead.  Newborns have that wonderful smell.  Infants coo and smile at you getting you through the moments when your boobs might actually break off. Pre-schoolers and kids up to about the age of 9 say funny things and provide hours of entertainment.

Then it happens: PUBERTY.  Oh puberty.

Now see this is where Darwin’s theory has a huge gaping hole: there is nothing cute about them.  They don’t smell good.  They don’t smile and coo at you.  They don’t say funny things to you anymore (in fact unless they are complaining or want something they barely speak to you).  Truth be told when they are at their most physically awkward they are simultaneously at their most mean and evil.  So why do they survive?   Where in the hell is their “helpful trait”?!

Nightmare Before Puberty

Everyday when Princess crawls out of her  rank hole of despair (she calls it her room) I am greeted with “what??! Gawd!” which is usually followed up with “ooookaaay….fine…..i dont know…..”  The second I see her glaring at me before the light even touches her I want to run.  I dread asking her  anything about anything. I am guaranteed that any chore instruction will be met with absolute disdain or World War III.  If we were to ask her, all she should have to do in life is take hour long showers, get dressed out of her magic laundry pile (I dont put her clothes away.  In fact I dont do anything that requires going in her room for fear I wont ever get out), go on the computer, text message and hide in her rank hole of despair.  Anything else is ridiculous.

So why do I let her continue to exist? How is that teenagers continue to evolve in this way? They don’t improve with each generation; they actually get worse and yet they live.  How is that possible under Darwin’s theory?

Shouldn’t they be naturally selected out and nice, happy teenagers should now currently exist in their place?

Someday when I die I am going to hunt Charles Darwin down in the afterlife and kick his evolutionary ass.

~RM1