Saga of a Lame “Single” Mom

For many years before I met Renegade Dad I did this whole parenting gig by myself  and I did a pretty damn good job.  I worked, went to college, raised a kid, ran the household and somehow kept it all going and kept everyone in one piece.  It was hard at time but I did it and really at the time I never thought it was that big of a deal.  Then I married Renegade Dad and now I have had help for several years it seems that I have forgotten the details of those years.

Art: Daniel Lindksog

I find myself for the next four days resuming my role as the single parent.  Renegade Dad got a gig working out of town and the recession being the Mother Fucker that it is there was no choice but to take it.  Of course the job came up at the same time that Green has this house on H1N1 quarantine so that makes life just a little more interesting.  I always think it is funny that Renegade Dad gets all weird when he leaves us like somehow I have no idea how to take care of these kids without him.  He always seems to forget that I have been doing this whole parent thing a whole lot longer than he has but because he has a penis and all I guess it just means he is more qualified.  Yeah right. Sure. 

I give it to the Renegade Dad, he is the man when it comes to parenting.  He even washes shitty cloth diapers (not very well but he gives it an A+ effort) but just cause he does his part well doesn’t mean I can’t do this shit by myself… again.  Ok truth is (don’t tell him!) I have totally forgotten how the fuck I ever did this shit by myself.  I suck ass.  Fuck. It has not even been 24 hours since he left and Green fell off the bunk bed after he colored a mural on the hardwood floor in his room in Crayola, Zen split his lip open and was also so constipated I had to pull a boulder out of his butt (I will spare you the details), The Dog got into some shit and crapped in the house and the worst part of all: I think I have Green’s cooties.  Everyone ate Jack N’ The Box and Top Ramen for dinner, no one has had a bath yet (including me) and this morning it was all about toaster waffles. There are still 3 more days left for me to totally screw this shit up so I am sure between now and then I can win the award for the world’s lamest mom. Perfect TV mom this week (or ever!) I am not.

The message I send in this post to you dear readers is this: parenting by myself is kinda like taking care of  my car.  Yeah, I can change my own oil and tires but do I like to? No. I CAN do this by myself, we all can but does it suck to do it alone? Fuck yeah. If you are reading this and you are a single mom then my hat is off to you.  I really did forget how hard this shit is. I look back on it and I guess I just did the shit back then because I never knew anything different.  I never knew the joys of going to the store ALONE, or taking a fucking shower or writing a blog post in under an hour (I have been writing this since 7am it is now 12:30pm!) or going somewhere and just getting out of the car and walking into the location without wrestling midgets into and out of carseats.  I need to go to the store! I cannot take Green the H1N1 King into any public place and I can’t have anyone over here or they will get contaminated and I feel like like shit and so well…fuck man!! I am spoiled I guess. I miss leaving them with him and going to the store alone, just me and my Starbucks strolling up and down the aisles of stuff I am not even going to buy just to make the trip take longer.  Right now I am trying to convince myself that these kids don’t even need milk and milk is totally overrated just so I don’t have to go to the store. 

If you are reading this and you have another parent around to help out (or at least pretend to help out) then look around and if you know any single moms go take their kids for an hour and let their mom know what it is like to go to the store alone, take a fucking shower and write a blog post in under an hour.  Then go buy  her a massage.

In the meantime if you see Renegade Dad, tell him you talked to me and everything is fine.  Don’t tell him how much I suck please. Yeah, I know, I’m a pussy. 

~RM1