I Fell Off My Rocker, Literally

How many renegades does it take to change a light bulb?

Apparently more than one or at least only RM2 because RM1 is a fucking klutz. So I did it again folks, I fell on my ass…okay my tailbone and bumped my head, wrenched my neck, twisted my ankle and did something to my left boob and yes I did it changing a fucking light bulb.  Thats it! I give! Put me in a fucking bubble until Renegade Dad gets home because I have no business being left to my own devices.

Here is a bright idea:

So Renegade Grandma hooked me up with some Green light bulbs because they have them at a local store for a dime right now. Anyway she brought them over and while on the phone with her I got all inspired and shit and decided to change all the light bulbs in my house by myself like a big kid. So while on the phone I am up on the arm of my couch balancing myself, a light bulb and my cell phone and as soon as I hung up with my mom I realized I just couldn’t reach that light socket.  So for some odd reason which I will never know I thought it was a really good idea to stand on the arm of my kid’s rocking chair….yes you read that right…ROCKING chair.  I know, I’m a fucking idiot.

In case you can’t guess what happened next I will tell you: I fell on my ass and landed full weight (and we all know how much that is!) on my tailbone and holy shit! I couldn’t even breath and then I finally was able to yell and Princess is standing there asking me if she should call 911 and I’m like “NO! Go get RM2!” and the truth is it really was an emergency but I don’t want 911 up in my house because it is a god damn mess, I mean really it’s a swine flu induced disaster.  Remember when your grandma used to tell you to always wear clean underwear in case you get in a car accident (okay maybe not your grandma but mine used to say that shit all the time)?  Well evidently your supposed to do that at home as well if your as graceful as I am.

RM2 raced over and I was stuck on my floor crying because I was convinced there was a knife shoved up my ass and then once we got some ice under my ass and the pain subsided a bit I told her how I did it.  She laughed her ass off and pointed out to me (like only a true friend would) why the fuck would I, RM1, the biggest clod on the face of the earth try to change my light bulb standing on the arm of my kid’s rocking chair? DUH!

Well, I am sitting here now with a bag of frozen strawberries under my ass and I have discovered that I think I hurt even more parts of my body than I initially realized.  I am feeling pretty fucked up right now and remember if you see Rengade Dad please tell him that everything is fine over here and I have it totally under control.

Thanks!

~RM1