Two Pounds of Fur & Pussy

I would like to dedicate this post and it’s title to @Ieatmykidzsnacks for giving me a twitter that was the highlight of my day.

Thanks Bitch!

Cute Lil' Bastard huh?

I have in the past questioned Darwin and his evolutionary theory when applied to teenagers but when it comes to kittens and their evolutionary need to be cute he couldn’t be more right. A kitten’s very survival is completely dependent upon their cuteness, much like a toddler and our new Renegade Kitten has already proven why he is so god damn cute.  

The very first hour he was in our home he bit the shit out of me.  It subsequently became infected within a matter of a few hours and by morning I was on my way to the doctor where I was greeted with two injections and ten days of antibiotics.  Thanks a lot Renegade Kitten.  The best part of it all is I totally asked for this shit and I have no one to blame but myself. WHY THE FUCK DID I GET A KITTEN? WHAT THE FUCK WAS I THINKING?  I had no business doing this considering the fact that ever since Renegade Dad skipped town for four days (which has turned into eight!) I have brought sucking to a whole new level of suckdom.  I cannot even take care of myself much less my four kids without a disaster every five fucking minutes so what made me think I could have a kitten right now?

There is an ironic karmatic twist to this tale, I have a friend who is like a sister to me, I am the Ethel to her Lucy.  Fucked up crazy shit always happens to the two of us and I have decided that this whole cat bite fiasco is all her fault.  I have been bit by so many feral cats I could not even count them if I tried and I have never had an infection.  The other day Lucy got bit by her own cat (one she got from me a few years ago…oops) and ended up spending 3 days in the hospital.  I kinda feel bad because when it happened I told her to just “go soak it”. Oops again. Not such a great idea the reason why I am not a doctor I guess.  I didn’t really like Lucy getting to go to the hospital hotel and day spa without me so I had to get bit and infected also.  RM2 says we are a couple of pussies. The truth is Renegade Dad has been gone WAY TOO LONG and I would give anything to go lay around in the hospital hotel without my kids and have nurses wait on me, so yeah Lucy I was just trying to be your roomie!

Not cute.

As we speak I am typing this with my left hand and my right hand looks like a red polish sausage.  I have become pretty damn good on the Twitter with one hand and if I could get my kids to leave me the fuck alone for five minutes I could actually get some shit done.   Renegade Dad is coming home tomorrow to a Renegade Mom with a fat red hand and a broken ass, screaming Renegade Kids, a fucked up house and a new Renegade Kitten. I bet he doesn’t leave again anytime soon but I on the other hand, will be running out of this door in my pajamas as fast as I can and across the street to RM2’s house the second he pulls in the driveway.  

~RM1