How Much Do I Love This Dog?

It has been some time since I have written about The Dog, my 5th child.   For those of you who are new let me catch you up to speed: she is retarded.  Nothing happened to her or anything she just isn’t that bright. I have a tendency to collect animals who have “issues” and thus my house is pure chaos.  My parrot never shuts the hell up, one cat is a 15 pound infant, the other is a serial killer, the new one won’t come out from under the bed (I don’t really blame him!) and The Dog is well a damn pain in my ass.

Todays Dog Disaster is a fairly simple one: her ass stinks.  I mean she stinks like something crawled up her butt and died a painful rotten death. Why you ask? Well, because I had a really bad day yesterday and my brain was basically dead I overdosed on leftover birthday cake.  Then because I was drunk on chocolate butter cream I left the rest of the cake out.  The Dog ate it. Oh and before you dog lovers of the world start freaking out in the comment section, Yes I DO know that chocolate can kill dogs.  I am aware of this phenomenon.  I already called the vet and she will survive, as she always does but not without shitting her brains out and stinking up the house for about two days with her horrific dog farts. 

I am sure you are wondering why do I not toss the stink machine out in the yard? Well, I wish! She runs away like her life depends on it and our fan-freaking-tastic landlord has been “working” on the gates to the yard since we moved in almost three years ago.  Her mad dashes always end up with the ultimate goal of running aimlessly down the busiest road she can find.  Oh and then there is the whole issue regarding her being a 70 pound lap dog. Honestly, her farts are so damn bad right now I think I would rather clean up the trail of dirty diapers she creates when she gets into the laundry room.  

I wish that we had a scratch n’ sniff website so I could share with you the joy of this stench that is permeating my humble abode.  It is quite lovely.

~RM1