Four Tampons and $2

Four Tampons and $2

Fuck the recession or as our civic leaders like to call it:

“these economically challenging times.”

Yeah. Whatever.

I have hit a new recession low that has caused me to almost cry. The only thing that saved me from tears was RM2’s band and Lucy and her stolen tampons. I put our last $14 in the gas tank and since we had groceries and toilet paper I thought we would be fine until Renegade Dad got a check. THOUGHT being the operative word. What I didn’t count on was bleeding like a stuck pig and finding out that I only had 4 tampons. The check was not coming until Monday and this was on Friday. Four tampons was not going to cut it. I managed to find $2 in change in my house and that left me with an even more fucked up situation: Dollar Tree pads. Nice. I regret ever complaining about buying tampons and I know the tampon karma fairy is laughing at me.

Being the bitch in denial that I like to be I took my four tampons and ignored my dilemma and went to RM’2 band practice at Lucy’s house and I am so glad I did. It seems that no matter how bad shit gets my friends always manage to help me come up with a solution and either find humor in it or at least feed me chocolate. Friday night was all of the above. Since every single one of us has had the recession fuck us without leaving any cab fare, I knew I could share my plight and no one would say “What a fucking loser you are that you can’t even buy tampons.” I also knew that they would see the humor in my pain. Lucy however, being the Renegade Girl Scout she is had a solution: stolen tampons.

Lucy won’t mind me telling you (and even if she does she will just comment and tell me I am a bitch for tellin’ her business) that she is a lucky bitch who doesn’t bleed to death anymore. No, she is not in menopause. She just paid her dues last year and had a nasty confrontation with some fucked up fibroids. She won the fibroid war and now she is blessed with white sheets and pretty panties every day for the rest of her life. Yes, I am jealous. During her war with the fibroids she and I worked at the job from hell and we made sure we got even with them every chance we got. I have an abundance of office supplies and she has tampons. Yep, she stocked up on tampons from the broken tampon machine. I love her.

These are the greatest tampons ever. First of all, they are stolen and they are stolen from our lame ex-place of employment. Even better! The other great thing about them is they have these cardboard tubes for covers that say TAMPAX in big letters and you pull the whole tampon with applicator out and it leaves behind these great tubes from which we can make tampon art (Free Fun Friday!) It really doesn’t get much better than this.

So there you have it! The recession is a fucking bitch, I put my $2 along with another $1 in change into my gas tank today and I officially am broke. The fun part was taking $3 in change to some dude who looked like ‘Mater the Tow Truck at the gas station and said “$3 on pump #1 please and yes I know that is exactly ONE gallon” and it got me home to Renegade Dad who has his check in hand. The first thing we are buying is tampons, not gas.

Priorities bitches. Priorities.

~RM1
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Category: Random Disasters | Tags: RM1

14 Responses to “Four Tampons and $2”

tina 09/11/16 15:27

omfg…….girlfriend i LOVE you!!
i soo needed this laugh today!!
can’t wait to see your Free Fun Friday craft project!! RFLMAO

xoxo
Suz 09/11/16 15:47

I feel ya.

I thought getting Mirena placed(even though the man has been neutered) would help with the Crimson Tide every month…I couldn’t have been more wrong. Now, not only do I get to cramp like I’m going into labor when it is “that” time, but also I get the awesome bonus of random appearances sprinkled throughout the month.

Being a female is such good times.
renegademoms 09/11/16 15:52

I scraped up 78 cents, an old lipstick, a guitar pick and a bridge receipt for your tampon fund, does that help? If not, I have a bunch of virgin sized tampons I can’t use after a nine pound baby that you can have. Maybe bundle up half a dozen and cram them in, that could work.

~RM2
renegademoms 09/11/16 16:03

and I wonder why I love you?

;-P
~RM1
ZDub 09/11/16 16:10

I could mail your some regular tampons I have that my husband bought me.

Uh, regular doesn’t cut it when you have had two bohemoth babies cartwheel out your vagina.
ZDub 09/11/16 16:11

And this made me laugh my ass off.
Monica 09/11/16 16:14

Omg thank you for making me laugh. Sorry it had to be at your misfortune but just before I read this post I was wallowing in self pity about a bill that just came in the mail.. soon to be followed by many more (like $11k worth). Then I took a vicodin and wandered over here and well.. I feel a little less broke. :\
renegademoms 09/11/16 16:24

ZDub I thank you for your offer but did you forget I have FOUR kids? Ha! Oh and the one with the abnormally large head was the homebirth…nothing to get him and his HUGE head out but a stretch and a push.

I think if I ever put in a regular size tampon it would just fall out. I use Grand Canyon size tampons.

My vagina thanks you for the compliment She likes to feel young again sometimes.
~RM1
Mrs. Call Me Crazy 09/11/16 19:48

I have figured out that the grocery store takes exactly three days to clear my check. This means that I can shop on Tuesday if me and hubby get paid on Friday. They also sell gift cards. So if I am really broke, I can buy a gas card, restaraunt card, Target card, whatever I need, and wait for pay day.

Oh, and the stolen tampons – geniuos.
RandaRoo 09/11/16 19:55

You could put maybe two or three regular sized tampons in at the same time…like side by side! I have no idea what I’m talking about because I for some reason can not bring myself to put a tampon in. Yes I know that pads are gross whatever. I’ve also been told by a gyno that tampons probably wouldn’t work for me anyway because I’m all crazy crooked up in there. So it would just leak out and I’d have to have a pad too anyway. Soo I just stick with my yucky pads, but thanks to the IUD I only get my period once every other month or so. I still get all the PMS and some cramps. But bleeding only every so often. But man when I bleed, I think I might be having a miscarriage or something! eww. sorry. TMI.
Stephanie 09/11/17 04:26

OMG! I *love* those and my old job ’supplied’ all of my tampon needs…for 2 years.

Glad you got your ‘poons’ (as my husband calls them).
Carrie 09/11/17 12:52

I guess I shouldn’t mention that when I had a Mirena put in all monthly issues stopped immediately? I have been period free for about 10 months and it is FANTASTIC…sorry, I shouldn’t gloat.

I will happily mail you my unopened boxes of tampons sitting in my bathrrom but I think they are only regular. Maybe you can use them like RandaRoo suggested
YourMom 09/11/18 10:56

I am just happy that Randa has admitted to the shame and horror of not being able to use tampons. I too, am the owner of a retarded vagina. I no longer feel alone in the universe.